April Fools!

I really can't think why I titled this April Fools except for the fact that in a few hours it will be the first of April and it seemed appropriate. It would be a great April Fools if I could say.. oh yeah I really don't have cancer I was just kidding, but that doesn't work does it? I've been kinda pissed off this week about having cancer. And I've felt melancholy about a lot of things as well, I guess it's just that time of the month.. I mean of course one of the "cancer is hell" days.

It's one of those days where it's just really hard to put on a happy face and even though your grateful to be alive no matter how you look at it.. "cancer sucks" and it sucks having cancer! Being positive is a choice and I'm certainly glad that I'm just naturally a positive person so that doesn't change. Sometimes though I really do get frustrated and just wanna scream and say I don't like being bald! I don't like going to the doctor all the dang time and I HATE CHEMOTHERAPY! Yesterday was one of those days!

I had planned on going into work for a little while yesterday before I went to Little Rock for my return visit to UAMS to get another Ultra Sound and to see DR. Stone at the Women's Gynecology clinic at the Cancer Institute. But when the alarm when off I was so tired that I just knew that going into work, the drive to Little Rock, the test, seeing the doctor and driving back home would just be too much. So I opted to stay home and sleep in a little late. I'm glad I did because the wait in the doctors office was a long one.

When I arrived at the hospital parking garage it was easy to find a parking place near the bridge walkway to the hospital and I got my book and thought I had put my cell phone in my pocket, which is where I usually keep it. I inquired about where the radiology department was and then went to the cafeteria to get a sandwich before I went to get my ultra sound. UAMS is of course a teaching school so everything that is done the student does and then the professional does as well, so therefore my ultra sound took twice as long to do but I suppose it was very thorough. After my ultra sound I went to the cancer center to the clinic to see the doctor and the room was crowded.."oh lord, I thought to myself, this is gonna be a long wait!".

Finally after waiting about an hour and half I was called to the back, weighed and put in a room with a nurse who took my blood pressure and took the paper I had to fill out while I was waiting. She looked up the results of my ultra sound and printed it out for the doctor but said she didn't know what it meant so she couldn't tell me anything. A little later a doctor I didn't know came in to talk to me, well actually a student doctor, she didn't tell me any results either but ask some questions. Shortly after that Dr. Stone came in and gave me good news. The cyst appears to be benign with only a small chance of being a low grade malignancy and so she said she wasn't that concerned about it. She does feel that it is best to to do the hysterectomy because my cancer is estrogen positive and although I have been through the menopause, there is a slight chance that I still produce a little estrogen. So I will have the laproscopic hysterectomy but not until after my chemo is complete and most likely before I start my radiation treatments.

Leaving the doctors office I was so thrilled and happy! I couldn't wait to get back to my car and get on my phone and call people and tell them. I had discovered when I was in the cafeteria that I must have left my phone in the car! The parking garage was bare compared to when I first arrived so it was very easy to find my car. I got in and looked for my phone and I couldn't see it anywhere! My elation over the good news flew right out the window! I wanted to rip that damn wig right off my head, throw it across the parking lot and scream, "I've lost my phone! I can't handle this! I'm tired! I hate cancer! I hate this wig!" and then I looked down at the driver's seat and there down between the door and the seat was my phone. My wig was intact, my phone was found and the good news was again at the front of my thoughts!

Getting in my car I noticed I had several missed phone calls and messages. I returned my phone calls and met my dear friend Jimmie at Chili's. He as always is like a rock and so positive, it's just what I needed and it was unexpected. A good meal with a good friend to share my good news, what more could a gal ask for? I arrived home tired but happy and feeling victorious, but still thinking.. CANCER SUCK BIG TIME!